A day from HELL

Before I start, may I say to Jamie and Rose who may be reading this- the time we had with you was lovely and for those 2 hours it was a pleasure; but the rest was like something from a horror show.

The day began with picking Khan up from Usk road only to find I did not have my sunglasses and the road was blinding. We got a McDonalds, then Khan had a sudden pain- and I cannot say the next bit because it is highly personal but Khan had a 'problem' that was resolved as I waited for him in my car in Catays.

We set off to meet Jamie and Rose and Lucy at 12pm at Three cliffs bay. After 4 hours and 30 mins in the hot sweltering car we met them. There were no directions to Three Cliffs bay (pictured above) and we went to every beach from horton, port eynon and oxwich on the South Waleian coast line. After eventually getting some signal we sat nav'd are way there.

Next problem: my and khan picture a river in front of us that we cannot cross as we have no beach wear.
River pictured below:

We had no towel, no shorts and the last thing we wanted was to to take our shoes and socks off.
So we decided to have an argument. Khan was shouting and causing a stir. We walked the entire length of the river looking for a point to jump over, but there was no. Khan took his shoes and socks off, I asked for a piggy back over the river but he refused because he has a bad back so I reluctantly start undressing as a group of fat woman start laughing (at my pissed off nature of doing it rather than looks/body).

We cross the river. We see loads of peeps on the beach and no jamie. Call jamie and rose - both phones turned off or without signal. I am so depressed I stop talking completely as Khan rants and rages. Eventually after seeing Jamie waving towards us we are greeted.

Fast forward two hours and we try an leave swansea. The only road out of swansea is CLOSED to due an apparent pile up of 5 cars.

The roads are jammed up for miles, so we thought we take all the side roads leading to Port Talbot. After taking all the back streets, we nearly made it only to be greeted with a copper telling us to 'Wait right there' on a street corner-very surreal. I said 'we are wanting to get back to cardiff' and he laughed in my face saying 'there's going to be a wait'.

Nearly run out of petrol at this point so we both gave up and went to have pub grub.
That's it, to top it all off i had no sun cream and have damaged my skin, the ice creams melted all most instantly in the car and I found blood in my poo just now as I got in.

I will never return to the Swansea again, god help them if they ever need to evacuate that city promptly.

X Factor has lost its charm

I thought last nights x factor was disappointing. The only one who was mildly interesting was Cher Lloyd- not coz I think shes that good, but because she was the most unpredictable and entertaining. As JG pointed out 'Lady Sovereign can actually rap better than Cher Lloyd'.

I thought Matt Cardle and Rebecca's first performances were so boring, I was actually planning what my next snack was. They both stood their like lemons, no personality- and dare I say it I thought Matt's voice was pretty bad when he sang with Rhi Rhi.

There was an uplifting moment when Robbie entered the stage to sing with the lads as if he was saying aaaavvv it my son!! Robbie was probably the best guest in my humble. Will(Iam)'s singing voice sounded like T-Pain gone wrong. Christina can sing v well but I was looking rather than listening - same with Rhi Rhi actually.

But whos the fool? coz guaranteed I will be tuning in on the dot when tonights show starts. It is the addictive nature of these reality shows. I can't miss tonights show coz i want to be in the 'know' and want to have my own opinion on it all. Oh god... have I lost my xmas spirit? i know .... i'll have to go and watch wagner feel like throwing his hands up in de air. bless.

It takes two to tango

Little did Deano Brancazio know, his extravaganza weekend would result in a scene similar to that of a Richard Curtis film where two young lovers would 'rock the gatekeeper'!!!

Meg knew from the minute she strutted into tom and phils house, this was no ordinary night. The game of truth or dare only confirmed Meg's suspicions that a strange man with strawberry blond were to get lucky on this night. Oh the G 'n' T's did flow - not to mention the malibu and the cider that waz guzzled by emsie. I got to fulfil one of my lifetime goals- yes, you guessed it, JIVE WITH THE CLISSOLD (fuck that sounds rude). She swung me from left to right, up and down... and back again. Impressed with me semi-serious attempt Jodie bellowed in my ear 'so.....ya wanna audition for x factor wit me?' I did not, and will not answer her until I get full approval from her sugar daddy; T Fide.

The drive into town was exciting. Phil pumped the music so loud, i think it reminded Charlotte of when she used to go clubbing in Ianapa, but she so did not give a shit- I don't even think she was wearing a seat belt. Meg had a spring in her step on the walk to gatekeeper and as Phil probed her about her likes and dislikes, she gave very vague responses - in a similar way a politician WUD. I caught a glimpse of Charlotte and she had a glimmer in her eye as if she'd just won a tenner at bingo or summing. She had quite possibly just witnessed one of the best looking men in our group.... but I didn't want to get in the way so I let her go for second best; my mate gRigg.

What those two don't know about luving in a pub eh? They simply tore the house down. Blesss 'em. Coz the bad boys ALWAYS catch Charlotte's eyes. Rock on to both of you!

There was one thing I was not treated to witnessing on this night though, and that was Meg's notorious drunken dancing on the tables where she tosses her knickers in the air. Maybe I will see that next time.

Night Out

Everyone knew from the moment Lloyd stuffed his face with glory at Nandos- this birthday was a biggie. To prove he enjoyed the meal more than others he paid the service charge! Khan smothered his gob with an extra portion of chips and the 'gym boys' i.e phil josh and paul stuck to protein based meals. Khan had the hottest meal in the whole damn house, in fact, it was so hot he left the restaurant on a few occasions (pretending he had phone calls) in order to cool off.

Then came the arm wrestling competition. The first contenders were obviously going to be the two men who thought they knew it all, aka the brickshithouses Josh and Lloyd. With vigour, a damp patch emerged from Josh's arm pit as he tackled Lloyd. Josh won basically like that. Gigg wanted a bit of the action, but was keeping quiet at this point sussing out who he should go for. As Lloyd lost, he was easy pickings. Gigg only beat Lloyd aswell. !!!

While all this was going on, there was another contest brewing. Emily looked at me with daggers and I returned with an expression Gigg would call an 'arrogant smile'. She knew, and I knew what was next. I raised my voice in front of everyone and said to her  'do ya wanna challenge mey?'. I knew she did, I was just hoping by turning this into a spectacle, my showmanship would make her loose her concentration. She knew my game. She sussed me out. She won the contest and her face had so much glory as my arm was pushed to the deck. While no one was watching she came up to me and whispered 'Don't ever fuck with me again Matt or I will end you'. I nervously laughed but was bricking it.

Randy Newman and Pixar

When I think of Pixar, I think of toys coming to life, monsters, talking cars, a rat  that has a way for cooking (not gordon ramsay), ripped off superheroes from age old comic books and yes… you guessed it Randy Newman. Afterall, if Pixar have not employed Newman as their composer, chances are you are listening to his cousin Thomas Newman (Finding Nemo, Wall-E) or the remarkable composer Michael Giacchino (Ratatouille, The Incredibles, Up – and of course he also wrote the music for the Medal of Honor video games and Lost…and Star Trek).  

You might be wondering why I am not writing this article about Giacchino. I could, but there is something different about Newman’s writing that puts him a cut above the rest. It is only when you listen to his soundtracks in isolation, without the screenplay, is it possible to recognise the brilliance that is at play in scores such as Toy Story, Monsters Inc and A Bugs Life. Try watching the intro scene to Toy Story in mute. You will soon come to understand the contribution that Newman has made to these films.

And most consider Randy Newman as a fat, ageing American bloke who ‘just sings about Jesus and drinks wine all day’ (line taken from his song entitled Sail Away). He had a modest solo career as a singer/songwriter writing hits such as ‘Short People’ and ‘Mama Told Me Not To Come’. Since then he has become known as a film composer, writing music for ‘Meet the Parents’, ‘The Princess and the Frog’and ‘Awakenings’. But what is it about his music that draws us into the picture? He seems to have the nack of arousing a nostalgic feeling in everyone from the age of five to eighty five. How can someone watch this scene : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px0j1EHF8Y0 without producing watery eyes? Newman can create songs that are anthems for feeling good. Take this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dixXub_dmA&feature=related , it makes you feel that the world isn’t so bad after all – there is love, loyalty and friendship here on planet earth. This is also true in Newman’s title song from Toy Story 3; ‘We Belong Together’.  America, a nation that is hated throughout the world for political reasons can now rely on Disney to distribute films that will hopefully portray them in a better light. This reminds me of the Randy Newman song ‘Political Science’- a satirical account of America wanting to take over the world because of their poor relations throughout the world. He sings the line ‘even our old friends put us down’ – well Randy as a British Citizen may I say I won’t put you down, Pixar or Disney in these remarkable animations that we are treated to annually.